The Maury Show

Something just doesn’t feel right.

My Cousin Sauresha asked my opinion about her boyfriend inviting her and his handsome male business partner to go on the Maury Show. Sauresha said that her boyfriend wanted to tell her something and thought it would be most appropriate to do it on the Maury Show.

I asked Sauresha if her boyfriend had been acting different lately. She said the only thing out of the norm has been his complaining that his butt hurts. She said she had been rubbin lotion on the area around his sphincter muscles the last couple months. Her boyfriend said that he had accidentally sat on the shifter in his jaguar.

I said this makes me a little nervous because I have a stick shift and I’ve never sat on the shifter.

Also I watched the Maury Show for the first time on Memorial Day and I didn’t like seeing those big ladies in the audience yelling at the guests. I can see my cousin Sauresha running into the audience and taking care of business.

In the end I told Sauresha to go on the Maury Show because most likely her boyfriend had slept with his business partner’s wife. I told Sauresha that men are always looking for sex, whether it’s with the business partner’s wife or a woodpecker hole in a tree. Don’t let a little innocent sex damage an otherwise strong relationship.

I’m thinking about changing my name from Mr. Gator to Dr. Phil Gator.

Edmonton Oilers resort to end-of-game Thuggery, Aye?

Edmonton Oilers resort to end-of-game Thuggery, Aye?

Mr. Laraque

The Carolina Hurricanes dominated the Edmonton Oilers at the RBC Center in Raleigh on Wednesday night with a convincing 5-0 rout giving the Canes a 2 games to none advantage in the Stanley Cup series, aye.

The Oiler Mates for the most part took the loss in stride but many are questioning the insensitivity of using Canadian Georges Laraque as the end-of-the-game headhunter especially in light of the Triangle still coming to grips with the fallout from the Duke Lacrosse brouhaha. A Canadian female dancer found herself outmanned in a lacrosse scrum.

Colonel Saunders from the N&O, a local Durham Newspaper, said “who dat poppin my homie in da back of da noggin, who dat, aye?” I don’t always see eye-to-eye with the Colonel on sports issues but I think the Oilers were showin disrespect to the community. The Oiler’s have Czechs, Soviets and Colombians but they chose the Canadian mate to stir up the crowd knowing that a Canadian taking cheap shots at the end of the game would stir up memories of the lacrosse brouhaha and potentially create an atmosphere of disrespect for the rest of the series, aye.

I really believe professional sports teams need to consider the cultural mind-set of a community when they choose a player to take cheap shots at the end of a game. Goodness gracious and good gravy juice would it have been so bad to use a Czech as the headhunter, aye?

Woman spews on Mr. Gator

Woman spews on Mr. Gator

As many of you know I’m big on tradition. When I go to Clearwater Beach whether it’s to eat at Frenchies or view the Hot Tuna on Pier 60 on a Friday night I have to stop at Dairy Kurl on the way home. Big Al, the owner, is a cow with the personality of a slug, but that boy can make a mean vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. Butt I digress.

I was standing in line at Dairy Kurl a few weeks ago when I started to get a bit hot under the collar because the illegal immigrants in front of me didn’t know the difference between a soft cone and a sugar cone. Getting hot I decided to take off my shirt not even thinking that the woman behind me might have a sensitive stomach. I have this rather large mole on my back that my Doctor tells me is the shrunken head of my undeveloped twin brother Eric. The odd thing about this shrunken head is that it has always had prolific hair growth. As a young man I always kept Eric shaved but lately I have let the hair grow out.

I guess the lady found my brother Eric’s hair somewhat grotesque and tossed her cookies upon my muscular lower legs. I’m thinking about having Eric’s hair braided before the bathing suit competition in Cancun this summer. I told the lady that she needed to learn to embrace all God’s creatures and accept them, as they are grotesque physical features and all.

Once in a Lifetime

Once in a Lifetime

I’ve been preparing for today since I was 13 years old. She would look into my eyes and know that this was number 2 on my list. I could hear her screaming "more, more, Mr. Gator" as her head bumped up against the elevator door.

Believe me if I had $100k for every time I’ve been stuck in an elevator with a troll I could retire. But today was the day, I initially was just thrilled to be on the elevator with this super hot babe but then there was a jolt, the elevator wasn’t moving.

“Oh my, the elevator seems to be stuck,” I said. Now look into my eyes you mad crazy woman this elevator’s gonna be rockin. Maybe my glasses were making it difficult for her to understand so I took them off and gave her my look again. She looked back with an understanding stare but then the elevator lurched upward and the door opened.

I was pretty much worthless for the entire day but then my buddy comforted me by reminding me that I was pretty much worthless every day. There is a silver lining though at least now I can put a face with the dream.

Duke to reinstate lacrosse program

Duke to reinstate lacrosse program

Exerts from President’s message:

Problem:

1. Campus Culture. “As I explained in my April 5 letter, a striking feature of the recent episode is the attention it has drawn to questions of student conduct…. that include… disrespectful behavior across lines of race and other forms of difference.”

Solution:

Under the new behavioral standards, violations will include underage drinking, disorderly conduct and harassment. Minimum penalties include counseling and community service for a first offense; a three-game suspension for a second offense; and a season-long suspension for a third offense.

Result:
Problem solved.

President Brodhead did the right thing, I commend him for his commitment to fairness.

Pinellas County Women and their doggie bags

Pinellas County Women and their doggie bags

One Pinellas County Nurse is trying to enlist the help of the county's eateries in fighting female obesity.

With burgers, fries and pizza the Top 3 eating-out favorites of women in this county, restaurants are in a prime position to help improve women's diets and combat obesity.

Today, 84 percent of Pinellas females over the age of 27 are overweight, including the 50 percent who are obese, according to the Columbia Health Care report. It pegs the annual medical cost of the problem at nearly $3 billion. This is even more alarming when you compare these figures to that of metro-sexual males who boast a 3 percent overweight mark.

Saur Von Kraus, 39, called smaller portions an excellent idea as she lunched on a sausage-and-pepperoni pizza, garlic rolls and potato salad at Fortunados in downtown St. Petersburg.

"OK, I am going to eat junk food regardless, but let me eat the junk food that's going to make my butt big so I can model for Lane Bryant," said Saur.

Head Nurse Michelle Carne Roha, the Pinellas Eating Disorder’s acting head, said she doesn’t even feel comfortable walking along the beach anymore with the threat of the fishing boats mistaking her friend Saur for a beached whale. “What if the harpoon misses her and hits me” said Carne Roha.

Still, Carne Roja will not seek the authority to force restaurants to limit the quantity of food they give women. “This really is an issue that the metro-sexual men in our state legislature need to address,” said Carne Roja.

Hurricane Looting 06, Dr. Gray speaks with Mr. Gator

Hurricane Looting 06, Dr. Gray speaks with Mr. Gator

Dr. Gray: Thank you for joining me this morning Mr. Gator. I always appreciate your truthful analysis. What is your 2006 Looting Prediction?

Mr. Gator: First let me say it’s always a pleasure to be here. Early indications show a strong looting season. I spoke to the General Manager at Party City and they have already sold out of costume # 28, Cool Pimp with fro, in fact this costume is selling faster than plywood at Ace Hardware.

Dr. Gray: Mr. Gator many felt the looting in New Orleans was unorganized and lacked a sense of purpose, are Pinellas County Looters any better prepared?

Mr. Gator: It’s funny you should ask. At the fall Pinellas Looters’ Conference this was one of the main agenda items. Pinellas Looters were asked to come up with Looting plans based on the revised mission statement and submit the plan in writing to the Board. For example, here are just a few of the plans:

Run down Mandalay Ave. carrying Hulk Hogan’s Big Screen TV

Break the glass at Wings and gather up a throng of thong bathing suits

Break into the Palm Pavilion and lower the price of a chicken sandwich by 50%

I think its quite apparent Pinellas Looters have a documented plan and are waiting to carry it out.

Dr. Gray: As always I thank you for your candid analysis Mr. Gator and may I say your hair looks wonderful. I hope you'll be available as hurricane season intensifies.

Mr. Gator: Thank you for those kind words. To be honest with you I can’t believe you’re still alive and have made a lucrative career out of predicting hurricanes. Bah bye.

Team Meating

Team Meating

I brought the folks together for the annual team meating and I immediately noticed that something was rotten in Denmark. As I milled about with the individual contributors I noticed some very prime meat in the crowd. Now I’ve been told that I don’t have a knack for HR issues so I try to stay away from the hiring process but I sensed someone had a taste for fresh grade “A” prime meat.

When the meating was called to order and everyone sat with his or her respective teams the horn dog stuck out like a white dude in a rim store. Recently divorced area Manager Slick Willie was stocking his corral with only the finest cuts of beef in town.

I asked the HR lady if it was against any rules to use only the finest cuts of beef. She said no but we needed to talk about this sexual harassment claim. Aaaaaaahhhh, from now on only big seasoned fatty cuts.